Look at me, I’m happy!

And other things you could say.

What is the first thing you think of when I ask what makes you happy? Many say success. So, how do they define success? For most, the definition of success is having more money, more power, or more “control” over some aspects of their daily lives. They will say, quite rightly, that they would feel vulnerable should someone else control 100 per cent of their decisions.

As a trainer, I ask students many questions, often repeated and in different forms. I ask them about the most important things in their lives, about what they want “at the end of the day”. Very regularly the answer is: “Happy, I want to be happy”. Of course, my logical follow up question is “What do you think of when you think of happiness?” Some will answer, in a jest, that it is pizza, chocolate, coffee, wine or some other consumable. But the majority will mention social lives, friends and family. Some will name the ever-elusive “freedom”. Rarely do they talk about actual money. Hardly anyone says things like “I am happiest when my salary comes in”, “I am very happy when I can save money” or “When I have power and control”. 

If this is the case, then why do people tend to only look at self-development as a way to get more money, power and control, rather than a way to be happy? Shouldn’t self-development be about our ultimate goal - which is to be happy? Why hasn’t the modern version of self-development been redefined to assist us in this direction, towards friends, family and the society around us?

Challenging times.

By moving to Poland I was able to rearrange my thinking which, when working for large multinational corporations, was focused on “self-growth and development”. Of course this, in simple terms, translated to me as more money, more power, more of everything. I rarely stopped to enjoy things that were simple. Things that gave me pleasure.  I didn’t stop to ask why I am developing something that I don’t really care about. Things that now I look at with a degree of negativity. Things that I realise now I could actually have if I changed my perspective.

I was brought up to believe that being polite is very important. Even though we were not a religious family, we grew up with some very Christian beliefs - treat people as you would like to be treated - don’t be jealous of others - help others out. These were combined with the Protestant ethics of “work hard now and you will be rewarded later”. I know that all my school friends were brought up in a very similar way. We were, what I believe to be, quintessential middle-class families. Some with both parents working, some with just one. Most of us were all given a standard state school education in both primary and secondary school. We worked part-time jobs while through high school. A reasonable percentage of us went on to tertiary education, in some form, as well. My question is this: how does this group of ordinary people pursue “growth”?

Having moved away from Australia, the country of my birth, I don’t really know what happened to the majority of my friends from primary and high school. From what social media tells me about their lives, most have families and are working, generally in white-collared roles. Are they all fighting themselves, like my students, to grow themselves? Looking for something to make them happy, something that realistically won’t, as they do not actually want it at the end of it all? 

I worry about the future of mental health across the Western world, as many of us are chasing things that don’t exist or which we don’t actually want. Yet many people still resent others who have already gained the coveted prizes, feeling they didn’t “deserve” them.  What will be the outcome of this continued disconnect between the directions these people are being pushed in their daily occupations and their real-life interests? Increased suicide rates, divorce rates, anti-depression medication? Or maybe decreased birth rates, happiness levels and relationships? Some of these things we are already seeing.

The human desire for continued improvement is possibly the main reason we have been the dominant species on the planet, combined with our opposable thumbs and other physiological traits that separate us from the wide variety of living beings on the planet. This desire may have now been misdirected, pointed towards our own internal demise rather than any external force that may be our ultimate doom. Maybe the fear of such large scale disasters such as climate change, contagious diseases, or mass pollution is actually something soothing, a balm that we seek. We want the outside world to take control of our destiny - it’s easier than looking at the challenges close to home, within our bodies, brains and our immediate environment. 

Is there a solution to all of this? In fact, there are several things we can do. 

We can look at the way we raise children. Return to the days of politeness, for politeness's sake. Explain that this is part of the development of good manners along with the way to help a society function. This is easy, straightforward, and a medium to a longer term answer. How will it change us now? We all want it now, right? 

And this is where the second part of a potential plan comes in. Working towards the growth of oneself immediately impacts our surrounding environment. If we teach our children and the children of others around us this, we must also do so through our own conscious actions. We must take back control (one of those desires previously mentioned) of how we behave. Returning to our childhood days, where the majority of us were happy and carefree, or so we believed. We weren’t at all carefree - in fact, it was quite the opposite. We were always caring about things. We cared what our friends thought, we cared how our parents saw us, we cared where we were going, etc. 

A great step forward is going into work and telling our bosses, our mentors and our co-workers that we want to focus on growth. But be honest about it. Tell people how you want to be the person you want to be, but also tell them how they can help you. 

(Some people will react negatively, as they would no matter the news:

- “Everyone there are free puppies and kittens to pat in the conference room for the next hour!” 

- “Yeah, but I am allergic” / “Puppies, pfft, they are so cliche” / “I’ve got a deadline”

On and on, the negativity will always be there, but let’s not focus that way.)

Look at the people who get confused or that starry look in their eyes. They are your “key market”. Talk to them about how you want to change, and how you want to change the environment for everyone around you. It isn’t about bringing cakes to work (although let’s face it, that too can help lift mood and sociability). This is about the things that you need, but not selfishly. Talk about personal growth and how that will impact those around you.

How about a list? 10 simple steps to feeling happier:

1. Sit down, preferably in a place that is comfortable. Somewhere you feel happy, safe, content.

2. Pull out a big piece of paper. If you can do it all on one page, it will make things easier to review.

3. Write down the word “Happiness” in the middle of the page. Around it, draw bubbles with names of things/actions that make you happy. You can do it like spokes on a  wheel, you can write it randomly around the page, in different colours, whatever, just get them on the paper. Connect the related bubbles to each other, and then connect the groups to “Happiness”.

4. Now that you have all these things there, walk away from the paper. Leave it somewhere you can see it regularly, the fridge, the coffee table, back of the toilet door. You’ll know the spot best for you.

5. Some time later, come back to the paper. Look at it again, review it, add to it, remove things from it. Connect new things.

6. Walk away again.

7. The next time come back and analyse it, look at what you have written, see where things combine and overlap. Use that to help you focus on the areas you don’t have enough of in your daily work life. Some of these might be harder to implement. Some will be very easy.

8. Copy out the list. Hand written is always best, but another nice thing to do is to set it as your phone background, so it pops up all the time you look at that phone when you are lonely, bored, and need distraction. It’ll help you think about it more than a picture of your baby, your dog or some glamour model.

9. Put it up at work, take it into your next review meeting with your boss. This can be a review you instigate and not your boss. Show it to your team, your neighbours, your clients - whoever you want to be part of your change. 

10. Do it.

How is that? Sounds easy, right? Well, it won’t be. You’ll get scared, panic, be afraid of the results. You might be intimidated when people question you. But, at the end of the day it is up to you to change, no one can make you happy except you. Your reaction to life is one of the few things you can truly own. Make it a proud possession.